Sunday, January 30, 2011

On Fear

During our honeymoon/backpacking trip the altitude, low blood sugar and having the body altering (NEVER TAKE THIS STUFF!) birth control pill coursing through my veins all triggered an attack of grand mal seizures. In fact, without being life flown out of the wilderness, I most likely would not have lived on to tell the story.

THe details of that story, in itself, are long and show the hand of God as He whispered to us "It's OK - I know the way. You'll be OK! I know the way!"

Here's the deal - that experience left a scar within my heart that had grown into a large ugly wound of fear. I love to be out in the wilderness - or go skiing - or go running on trails - or mountain biking - but for years, the tape playing in my mind was: "Are you nuts? Do you remember what happened in 1996? What are you doing?"

Fast forward to 2009 - Stud Husband and I decided to tackle some high mountain Sierra trails - real altitude, of 12 to 14 thousand feet high mountain lakes and passes. The entire drive down and 1st day of hiking, I was literally short of breath from gripping fear that 1996 could happen again. I have kids now! We are not just a stones throw from a town in these mountains - we are deep in the wilderness. What am I doing?

But I knew, in my deepest knower, that God does not lead us through the maze of life by fear. That instead, we are to travel this life from victory to victory and ultimately, follow peace. Just because I felt fear, gripping fear at that, does not mean I was not to move forward - on the contrary, fear tends to motivate me to face the giant head on and double check that I am holding on to God's hand tightly as I go.

So one step at a time, I climbed that mountain, both literally and metaphorically - I realized that if I didn't face this head on that this fear monster would only get bigger.

:But God, I am scared!!

Child, that's OK. Do it anyway. Do it scared. But do it.


And the next day when in 1996, the first seizure hit, I was still feeling amazing, athletic, strong. We climbed up to a high mountain lake at nearly 11,000 feet altitude where I realized that this "Monster" lurking and keeping me from the joy of being there had shrunk and was really a mouse sized puny little squeaky voice that had no power over me at all. In fact, when the fullness of knowing that I was higher then I had ever been on a mountain and I was feeling better then ever was fully realized, I knew once and for all , that God had destroyed that Monster.

Check this video out. It beautifully portrays the truth that God knows the way in all of our lives! Fear is not of Him! When we remember that He Has us in the palm of His hand and He is taking us through this life we can watch all the Fear Monsters in our lives shrink down and completely disappear. We walk this life with HIM!!


Jennifer in OR said...

"Just because I felt fear, gripping fear at that, does not mean I was not to move forward..." --Awesome, love this encouragement.

Julia said...

This dvd clip was loaned to me just a couple of years ago. I listened to the message once more and heard it fresh. The message is timeless and i am filled with gratitude for our Heavenly Father's great heart, tenderness and faithfulness. Thank you so much, Julie, for sharing it and your own testimony of His mercy and faithfulness.